GRANDMA'S NEW DIET

My lovely wife was really excited: "I've lost five pounds!" she exclaimed, "I think its from babysitting Grant!". Naturally, this declaration got grandpa's creative juices flowing. Everybody and their mother is coming out with some new-fangled method for dropping weight and toning up. Why not me?



Achieving Maximum Cardiovascular Results Through Chasing An Eight Month Old:

Elderly grandparents will need to begin doing this exercise extremely slowly. Using mainly your semi-atrophied thigh muscles, start by hunching over and having the child firmly grasp your index fingers with their tiny dried oatmeal/snot encrusted palms. As the young one careens off like a small drunken sailor through his parents home, be careful not to let his soft little cranium bounce off the innumerable sharp surfaces of objects which seem to be everywhere. Remember: Breath deeply, start slowly - you both need to make it through this.

After a few weeks of chasing and in spite of back muscles which seem to be encased in cement, grandparents should start to feel, well...tired. Actually, since your lung capacity will be greatly enhanced you will now see some results as you grunt, stoop over and weigh yourself ( you will be grunting due to the fact that your grandchild will be firmly clenched in your toned-up arms because you'll undoubtedly want to brag to your friends about how big the little bugger is getting). Lord knows, grandma can't get the kid to sit still long enough to step on the scales himself.

Since this book is still only in the developmental stages (just like young Grant), future chapters will be offered eventually, maybe after grandpa's nap. Meanwhile, grandma and I will continue laughing about different subjects such as taking inches off your thighs by pushing him around and around the living room floor as he sits laughing delightedly in a waist high cardboard box. Make sure you alternate legs however or else you will have one thigh looking like a drumstick and one that resembles a guided missile.

Before they develop those sharp, tiny chompers, grandchildren can also be extremely useful as skin softners. Begin this procedure by holding them up to your wrinkly facial features and oftentimes they will begin salivating and sucking on grandma's lotiony-smooth chinny, chin, chin. It can be very humorous to see the expression on their dear, dear faces when they accidentally latch on to grandpa's whisker-stub bled jaw. The benefits of laughter combined with massive amounts of love can be beneficial to everyone involved.

And even if grandpa never becomes a filthy rich, fabulously wealthy best selling author of instructional weight loss books, he hopes he will always have his beloved grandson(and future grand kids)as subjects. Just thinking about soon to be bicycle rides, kindergarten busses and yes, first dates to write about is enough to make him smile...and want to take his nap.

Nite, nite!!